Piece: Independent Writing #2

Love
I’m not that old yet, and I know that. But, I can’t help but feel I’ve learned a lot about the meaning of that word. For one, it’s nothing that can be proven; In fact, you could barely provide evidence for it. You just have to show it. You need to set it out on the table, and you either have it or you don’t. A very important person taught me this. He won’t be revealed, and neither will I, for reason needless of explanation to the reader, and after a night like mine, I plan on meaning what I say for as long as I pay attention, maybe not forever, but, hopefully long enough.This guy gave me the absolute world. He wanted me, I wanted him, on a far more intimate level than lust. I was in love with the idea of him and everything he had to give me. Perfection, as close as a screwed up kid like myself could get. I wanted that love so bad, I believed it. To this day, contrary to tonight’s belief, I still believe in that love. I fear, that in time, our relationship unraveled in the on-going war a teenage soldier would face. Upon the untimely realization, that some one else still existed in my heart, and his disbelief in his feelings for me, we both remained seemingly unfaithful; A stain we could never remove. I feel strongly enough to say though, that my realization did not tempt me away from my relationship, but I still felt like I was holding on to a love, because I believed in it once before. Unfortunately, I could not save the edifice from crumbling to my feet.. I tried, I really did, but I knew it wasn’t what he wanted.Months later, I’m with the boy of my untimely realization, entirely, because he has truly become the one I could see myself being with for the rest of my life without any sort of doubt. When my feelings are revealed to my late relationship, a new relationship, one that, I guess, unwritten, but existed was unraveled. I yelled, He yelled. I cursed, he cursed. He cried over the idea of my infidelity, I defended my place as the ex- girlfriend who would no longer take his bull shit. . .no matter how wrong I seemed to be. I told him terrible things, impulsive and adrenaline- induced things that would rip my heart open if they were given back at me. All to defend myself, which I still don’t regret. After the way I felt he treated me, after the pain I hid, even to this day when he referred to old days, and old ways, I couldn’t handle another session of his voice talking down to me, when all I wanted was to reach up to him, as a friend, a confidant, as the boy I wanted him to be, like the lover I tried to hold onto. My regret though, as I sit here, remembering the hot tears once before streaming down my face, and ten times before for him, is the word I took back from him, Love.I’m not writing this because I haven’t moved on from him. I know full well I have, and I feel full well he has as well. I’m writing this to keep my sanity, and, more importantly, to apologize to myself. For, in fact, I really did love him, with all my heart. Love is a changeling though, deceitful to belief false. I guess that’s what I saw. But, to stand here and deny that I loved him, whilst I can barely stop thinking about how much I hurt him is just too stupid, even for a screwed up kid like me. I disbelieved something I truly meant, and I need to apologize to myself for that. One day, I kind of hope I can apologize to you too. I will always be your love, for that little while at least, and whatever that can mean now. Love, it’s definition will change for me again, but for now, show it, believe it, it was for you.